Hayama's New Girlfriend
by volleydork
Summary: It's a regular Saturday afternoon on the Tootsuki Academy campus when Yukihira ventures out with his friends to go and pay Hayama a visit. Hayama's been acting strange over the past few weeks… so the only logical conclusion must be a girlfriend, right? The question is, who could it be?


It was a warm Saturday afternoon when Yukihira found himself walking outside with his friends, headed in the direction of the Shiomi Seminar building. Hayama had invited them — or rather, Yukihira had invited himself and everyone had decided to tag along with him — and while Yukihira was still mad about losing to Hayama in the Autumn Election, he wasn't going to dwell on that loss. Rather, he was going to dwell on the current topic amongst his friends: who Hayama's new girlfriend was.

"Guys, we don't even know for sure that he's got a _girlfriend_ ," Takumi insisted, waving his hands in an attempt to grab everyone's attention. Yukihira raised an eyebrow at him before speaking.

"Well," Yukihira began, "who do you think it is then?"

"I don't know!" Takumi folded his arms stubbornly. "I'm not Hayama, am I?"

"Brother, you really shouldn't complain if you have nothing to add to the discussion," Isami scolded. Then, as an afterthought, he added a "by the way, I think it's Sakaki".

"Isami, not you too," Takumi groaned, slapping a hand to his face. "I don't know, damnit. Maybe it's Kurokiba."

Everyone, save for Takumi, stopped in their tracks before simultaneously letting out an "Eh?"

"What? It makes more sense than 'Sakaki'," Takumi insisted, firmly planting his foot in the ground as he looked at all the faces around him. Yoshino. Sakaki. Isami. Tadokoro. Yukihira.

"Come on! Someone agree with me, damnit…"

Takumi's plea was met with silence.

"Oh, guys. Come on. Hayama and Kurokiba would make sense, alright?"

"I heard my name," a deep voice drawled, inviting himself into the conversation. It was Kurokiba — thankfully with his bandana on his wrist rather than his forehead. "What about me and Hayama?"

"Yeah," Alice said, also inviting herself into the conversation, "what about him and Hayama?"

Takumi sighed. "Where did you two even come from?"

"Our mothers, duh," Alice responded, flicking Takumi's forehead as if to punish him for asking such a silly question. Takumi flinched at her touch while Alice grinned, acting as if she hadn't done anything wrong.

"Anyway," Alice continued to say while looking straight ahead, "where are we headed? Food? 'Cause I'm hungry. And tired. Ryou-kun, carry me. Also, someone tell me what we're doing."

"We're meeting Hayama's girlfriend," was Yukihira's nonchalant response. "Takumi thought that it was Kurokiba, but he's here with you so it's not him—"

"Idiot, don't tell him!"

Takumi had sprung over to slap his hand over Yukihira's mouth, but it was too late. The words had already left Yukihira's mouth.

"Well, Ryou-kun, is that true?"

Alice was on Kurokiba's back now, tapping his head as if she were trying to get Kurokiba's brain to formulate the words a little quicker. Kurokiba stared blankly at Takumi for a few moments, then reached for the bandana around his wrist.

"Give me a minute," was Kurokiba's eventual response.

The others waited in silence as Kurokiba slowly levelled the bandana to his forehead, wrapping the soft fabric around his forehead. His hands were moving at a leisurely pace, tying the two ends into a small knot before tightening. The tighter the bandana got, the more the others began to notice the irritation forming in Kurokiba's eyes. By the time the bandana was wrapped tight around Kurokiba's forehead, his demeanour had changed entirely.

"What the fuck makes you think I'm dating that fucking spice bastard? I'd rather gouge my fucking eyes out one by one and deep fry them in fucking blood and then dice them and feed them to all the fucking fish in the fucking sea—"

"Ryou-kun," Alice whined, yanking the bandana off Kurokiba's head before continuing to speak. "Don't be so vulgar! I can't have my aide using language like that!"

Almost instantly, the anger dissipated from Kurokiba's eyes and was replaced with a calm expression once more, his back slouching and his shoulders positioned in a shrug as he turned away from the spooked Takumi and over to the direction which everyone had been walking in.

"Sorry, milady."

Takumi, even more spooked by Kurokiba's sudden mood change, took several steps back from Kurokiba before speaking.

"I get it," Takumi said, hurriedly waving both hands in dismissal. "I was wrong."

Kurokiba slowly turned to face Takumi before blinking at him. "Wrong about what?"

"You know," Takumi elaborated, "the idea that you're dat—"

"Shut up! We're going to be late!"

Nikumi had appeared in her usual attire and was standing in the centre of the conversation with her arms folded.

"Wait," Takumi began, a furrow appearing in his brow as he looked from Kurokiba to Nikumi, who was wearing a look of irritation on her face. "Where did _you_ come from?"

"She came from her mother too, Takumi! Use your brain," Alice scolded, slapping Kurokiba's shoulder. "Ryou-kun, I can't slap him, so I'm going to slap you, okay?"

"Do as you wish, milady."

"Hate to interrupt and all," Takumi began, "but can we walk?"

"Fine, fine," Alice grumbled, pouting as she turned to face everyone else. She let out a gasp of surprise, however, when she realised that there was no-one left to face. No-one except Takumi and Nikumi, anyway.

Alice tilted her head to the left before confusedly letting out a "where'd they all go?"

"Y—Yukihira-kun said 'you guys can finish your conversation, but we're going to go on ahead'," Nikumi replied, a slight blush on her cheeks as she began to fiddle with her fingers. "I wanted to go with them, but he said I should make sure you guys don't start ripping each other's heads off…"

"Well, let's go! I'm not letting Yukihira get to Shiomi Seminar before me," Takumi declared, breaking into a sprint so that he could catch up with the others. Alice, not wanting to lose this competition, wrapped Kurokiba's bandana around his head so that he would start sprinting after Takumi. Nikumi wasn't a particularly fast runner, nor did she have a personal aide to carry her. Takumi, Alice and Kurokiba had already become dots in the distance.

"Damnit. I really wanted to hang out with Yukihira-kun," Nikumi grumbled, turning around as her shoulders rolled forwards into a depressed slump. She had been about to head home, but jumped when she heard a "Hey!"

Nikumi was on full defence mode, fist raised while her eyes darted back and forth. At last, she noticed a beefy guy with a shaved head peeking out at her from behind a tree, a creepy-looking smile stretching all the way across his face. She almost jumped out of her skin when she noticed him, but was able to steady herself on a nearby tree before levelling a finger at him.

"Who the hell are you?!"

The guy opened his jacket to reveal the name 'Mimasaka', which was embroidered in gold fabric. He was still smiling at her, smiling to the point where Nikumi was sure that those impressively large lips of his should've started cracking.

"I'm Mimasaka," was the peppy response. "I'm here polishing my stalking techniques. They call me King of Stalk—"

"I don't care what they call you! Don't stalk me, creep!"

"I heard you lamenting about not being able to spend time with Yukihira Souma," he continued, acting as if Nikumi hadn't interrupted his super-cool, stalker-polished introduction. "If you like, I could give you a lift on my motorcycle."

Nikumi's gut reaction was to say no, but at the realisation that she'd get to see Yukihira's stupid cute face again, she couldn't help but give in. The thought of Yukihira really did make her weak to all logic.

"Yeah, whatever. I guess that's fine," she said, folding her arms stubbornly.

Mimasaka proceeded to pull a motorcycle out from nowhere before settling it on the grass with a muted 'thump'. Nikumi was a little aversive to the idea of riding a motorcycle, but she reminded herself that it was for a good cause: spending time with Yukihira. Sure, everyone else was there, but she could just block them out… right?

With his large frame, Mimasaka proceeded to clamber onto the motorcycle seat, steadying himself before patting the spot behind him with that huge smile on his face. Nikumi shuddered, having become increasingly aware of the fact that goosebumps were beginning to rise on her skin. Intentional or not, this Mimasaka guy really did come off as being a bit of a creep.

"Uh… do you have to smile like that?"

"I'm a happy person," was Mimasaka's unblinking response. Nikumi was pretty sure the guy hadn't blinked since he'd introduced himself as 'King of Stalkers'. He lived up to his name, that much was for sure.

"I always smile," Mimasaka sunnily concluded, his smile stretching out even wider. It was a feat that Nikumi hadn't thought possible, but seeing Mimasaka's smile become wider was enough to make yet another shudder trickle down her spine. It still wasn't enough to make her decline the chance to spend more time with Yukihira, though.

She reluctantly shuffled over to the motorcycle and got onto the motorcycle seat, trying to keep any bodily contact as minimal as possible. She then squinted her eyes shut, having decided that she could pretend that it was Yukihira riding this motorcycle rather than this 'King of Stalkers' guy. That made sense, right? Yeah. She could totally be the 'cool motorcycle girl', couldn't she? And then Yukihira could be her counterpart, and they could forget about going to Shiomi Seminar and ride off into the sunset—

"You're going to have to hold on," Mimasaka's voice imposed, breaking Nikumi's Yukihira-centric fantasy just as quickly as it had started. "We'll be going pretty fast."

"I can stay upright just fine," was Nikumi's stubborn response as her eyes pulled open once more, all thoughts of red hair and sunsets vanishing into some other distant memory.

"Well, alright. Have it your way."

Without warning, the motorcycle began to move, Nikumi's head violently tipping back due to the sheer velocity of it all. Her hands flailed out and reached for Mimasaka's jacket, fingers clamped into the fabric so as to keep herself from falling. The ride itself didn't last that long — after all, they were chasing after a bunch of teenagers who argued more than they walked — but for Nikumi, it felt like an extended eternity of the wind pulling her face, eyelids and lips back. She didn't even have time to think about yelling at Mimasaka to stop the damn thing — she was too focused on trying not to fall off and die.

Okay, maybe she wouldn't die, but this motorcycle was ridiculously fast.

"Fun, right? I replaced the engine yesterday," Mimasaka seamlessly informed her while turning the velocity up even further. "It's one of the best on the market! It's got all the strength you need, but it's as silent as a… you know, something that's silent. I'll be able to fine-tune my 'Perfect Trace' even more now!"

If Nikumi had had control of her face, she would've made an expression of confusion. But, the wind was still dominating her facial expression. Right now, her face was screaming "get me off this damn thing".

She didn't realise that she'd broken her vow to keep bodily contact minimal until they slowed down to a crawl. Nikumi remained there for a few seconds as she waited for everything to go back to normal, her hair now beginning to flutter at her forehead rather than behind her. Her head was still spinning after those few seconds of deceleration, but the spinning wasn't so extreme that she couldn't control herself.

Nikumi released Mimasaka's jacket, her cheeks heating up as she leapt off the now-still motorcycle. The second her feet hit the ground, she stumbled over to a nearby tree and steadied herself on the trunk, her eyes sliding shut as she waited for the spinning to subside.

When the spinning eventually did subside, she looked up and opened her eyes once more. She turned to where Mimasaka had last been, preparing to thank him for the ride (even if it had been one of the most horrific experiences of her life) only to see that he'd vanished into thin air. Her eyebrows furrowed together as she looked around herself, her hands settling on her hips as she looked for tell-tale marks — wheel tracks, big creepy smiles, huge bodies hiding behind slender trees — but there were none for her to find. She might've dwelled on the topic a little more, but she'd finally spotted the others in her peripheral. Or rather, she'd heard Alice whining and her eyes had followed the sound.

Turning her head so that she was facing in their direction, she could see that the others were just a metre ahead from her. She'd spotted Yukihira's distinctive red hair, stood up straight as if it were a flame lighting her way to the group.

She began to hurry over to the group, and while she'd only been able to hear Alice whining at Kurokiba for unclear reasons when stood a metre away from the group, she was able to hear Yukihira and Takumi's discussion by the time she'd caught up with the rest of the group.

"Well," Yukihira announced, "I think it's Hishoko."

Takumi had an incredulous expression on his face. "Yukihira, are you stupid? Why would Hayama date Hishoko?"

"What? She's pretty," Yukihira commented, shrugging his shoulders. "I mean—"

"No she's not!"

Yukihira and Takumi turned to face Nikumi, who had slapped a hand over her lips just as quickly as the words had burst out. Nikumi hadn't meant it — Hishoko was very pretty — but she didn't want Yukihira to think that! Then again… why was she even thinking like that? Yukihira could like whoever he wanted to like, damnit…

"I mean, uh… she's not pretty," Nikumi stammered, feeling herself becoming more and more nervous the longer Yukihira continued to stare at her. "She's… uh… beautiful! Anyway, uh… what are we talking about?"

"Actually," Yukihira said, reaching a hand up towards his forehead so that he could brush a few stray strands of hair away, "I was wondering where you'd disappeared off to. Takumi, why didn't you accompany her? I thought you were meant to be a gentleman."

"Shut up! You can't lecture me about being a gentleman!"

"It's fine," Nikumi sheepishly responded, ringing a finger through her blonde tresses of hair as she averted her gaze. "I was just taking my time getting here. Not in a rush or anything, so…"

"Well, it's great that you're here now," Yukihira responded, a happy smile on his face as he fell back slightly so that they were walking in step. "Can you back me up here? Hishoko's definitely Hayama's mystery girlfriend, don't you think?"

"Lies," Takumi muttered under his breath. "I still think it could be Kurokiba."

"Well… uh… I guess it could be Hishoko," Nikumi responded, although she wasn't entirely sure on what was going on. All she knew was that they were headed to Shiomi Seminar — but, now it seemed that she knew why. To meet Hayama's girlfriend.

"Thank you! See, Takumi? Nikumi agrees with me, so you lose," Yukihira concluded, a victorious smirk on his face as he noticed the familiar frame of the Shiomi Seminar building in the distance. They weren't too far from it now — although, this walk really had made Yukihira realise just how huge this academy was. The Tootsuki campus was so big that it could've easily been its own country.

"Hey, Alice," Takumi called out, pointedly choosing not to rise to Yukihira's provocations. "Who do you think Hayama's girlfriend is?"

"I've got a whole theory planned out," was Alice's response. "Okay, so, as we all know, Hayama-kun was super rude to Hishoko after beating her in the Autumn Election and made her all depressed! Not good. We also know that Hishoko's super close to Erina, so maybe Hayama-kun thought that being mean to Hishoko would drive Erina closer to him and now they're… secret lovers! How scandalous, right? Ryou-kun, clap."

Kurokiba did as told.

"Come on, look a bit more enthusiastic about it," Alice scolded, chopping Kurokiba on top of the head. "I put a lot of time and effort into this theory!"

Kurokiba clapped harder.

"That's more like it, Ryou-kun!"

"Well… that makes sense," Yukihira idly commented to Takumi, having spent some time dwelling on Alice's words. "She's Nakiri's cousin, so she probably knows her pretty well. Maybe it's Nakiri and Hayama."

Takumi groaned. "That's even crazier than Hishoko and Hayama… man, what about you, Isami?"

"Well… why are we assuming that Hayama has a girlfriend in the first place?"

"Actually… that's a fair point," Takumi said, turning to face Yukihira with an accusatory expression on his face. "Why _are_ we assuming that Hayama has a girlfriend?"

"Yeah," Alice said, issuing an order for Kurokiba to stop clapping before turning her head to regard Yukihira. "Why _are_ we assuming he has a girlfriend, Yukihira? And why have those three literally said nothing since Ryou-kun and I got here?"

The spotlight was now on Tadokoro, Sakaki and Yoshino, who had been uncharacteristically silent since this entire discussion of girlfriends had begun. Sakaki and Yoshino gestured to their throats, while Tadokoro simply shrugged her shoulders before croaking out a response.

"Ask Souma-kun."

It took Takumi exactly two seconds to come to a conclusion of what had happened to the ladies' throats.

"You made them your test subjects again? Jeez, Yukihira! Why don't you know how to treat women? Any chef worth his salt should should know how to respect women," Takumi scolded, yanking a bottle of water out from his satchel before clicking his tongue at Yukihira. "Seriously…"

"I only gave them a couple of curries to try," Yukihira grumbled.

"And knowing you, a couple probably means a hundred," Takumi retorted.

Before Yukihira could argue the point, Takumi turned his attention over to Tadokoro and proffered the bottle of water in her direction. She accepted the bottle with a grateful smile on her face before twisting the lid off and drinking a small amount. She then proceeded to pass the water to Yoshino, who probably would've downed the entire thing if not for Sakaki snatching it out of her hand and finishing off whatever was left.

Once the bottle had been sucked dry, Sakaki let out a huge sigh of relief as she opened her mouth to speak.

"Whew. Those curries were so spicy I couldn't speak," she said, chuckling to herself. "My throat's still sore. But, it's bearable now. Thanks, Takumi! See, Yukihira, you should be more like him."

"Yeah," Yoshino affirmed.

Yukihira sighed, but didn't bother to argue the point. He'd been reminded time and time again just how hopeless it was when it came to being a gentleman. Honestly, he'd thought that he was a pretty huge gentleman when it came to dealing with the ladies, but maybe he'd thought wrong. Or maybe he was yet to tap into his true prowess as a gentleman. Who knew?

"Also, I agree with the others," Yoshino continued. Why are we assuming Hayama has a girlfriend? Didn't he explicitly tell you 'shut up, I'm not dating anyone'?"

"He's lying," Yukihira reasoned. "He's been smiling more recently. Hayama never smiles, you know? The guy's always grumping around and sniffing cinnamon. I was getting worried, not gonna lie. I thought he was going to end up marrying a bag of cinnamon…"

"You're one to talk!" everyone exclaimed, staring at Yukihira in disbelief.

"What?" Yukihira blinked back at the array of confused faces. "I'm not grumpy. I'm happy."

There were a series of sighs and face-palms, but otherwise, no-one said anything more in response. They were drawing close to Shiomi Seminar now. They'd been walking for quite a while, so it was a relief for all of them to see the familiar frame of the building.

"Also, Mimasaka, you can stop hiding," Yukihira called out. "Come and walk with the rest of us."

"Huh?" Takumi flinched as he looked around himself. "He's here?"

"I've been here with all of you all along," Mimasaka sang, seemingly dancing out from nowhere to walk with the group of buddies. "I've been practicing my Perfect Trace of you, Takumi. What do you think of it? _I'm Takumi Aldini, and I'm going to become the head chef of my Trattoria Aldini one day_!"

Takumi shuddered. "Please don't do that."

"You know," Yukhira commented, eyes on Mimasaka's, "you're pretty good at hiding. Especially for a big guy."

"Thanks! I work hard on my hiding abilities. It looks like they're beginning to weaken though. Especially if you saw me behind those trees," Mimasaka lamented, all the while falling into step with Takumi. Takumi began to walk quicker, but no matter what Takumi did, Mimasaka kept matching his every step.

"Hey, you! Stop walking like me," Takumi yelled. "I spent ages perfecting my chef walk! It's my labour of love!"

"Chef walk? Brother, that's just a normal walk—"

"Shut up, Isami! Everyone just shut up!"

Mimasaka cleared his throat and opened his mouth wide to bellow out a "Shut up, Isami! Everyone just shut up!"

Eerily enough, Mimasaka's tone of voice matched Takumi's in every way possible. He'd even managed to work Takumi's voice crack into the end of his sentence.

"That's a really neat skill," Sakaki commented. "Hmm…"

"No it's not! Yukihira, get him to stop," Takumi wailed, throwing his hands out in protest. "This is harassment! This wouldn't happen to me back in Italy!"

"Takumi's 'back in Italy' rants are the equivalent of old people ranting about how things were better 'back in the good ol' days', don't you think?" Yoshino commented, a giggle bubbling out from her parted lips.

"Yeah! I was thinking that," Sakaki replied.

The group of friends might have continued to bicker amongst themselves, but now that they were stood right in front of Shiomi Seminar, they'd become aware of an extremely unpleasant scent. Obviously the building contained hundreds upon hundreds of spices that were constantly being developed upon, but neither Yukihira nor Kurokiba could remember it smelling so… potent.

"Oh no! Megumi's throwing up," Yoshino exclaimed, realising that Tadokoro had turned to start throwing up in a nearby bush. She was quick to rush over to Tadokoro and held back her hair while Sakaki also rushed over, awkwardly patting Tadokoro's back as she continued to throw up.

"What the fuck is this? This smells like fucking shit! That spice bastard's at it again," Kurokiba growled, eyes narrowed at the building. Alice was quick to pull the bandana off Kurokiba's head, scolding him for his language and for somehow retrieving the bandana without her say-so.

"Seriously," Alice said, tutting to herself. "Such unbecoming behaviour, Ryou-kun. But… that smell really isn't pleasant. Is that really Hayama-kun's doing?"

"Dunno," was Kurokiba's unbothered response.

"Yukihira, do we really need to see Hayama's so-called girlfriend? My nostrils can't take much more of this," Takumi grumbled, his thumb and forefinger keeping both nostrils pinched shut as he began to alternate between glaring at Mimasaka and the Shiomi Seminar building.

"Yup! We do," Yukihira confidently responded, pushing the entrance door open and walking down the hallway to the next door which would lead into the main area of the building. While he'd initially been walking alone, Nikumi had reluctantly begun to follow after him. Takumi was next. Then Kurokiba, with Alice spurring him forwards.

Soon, they were all inside except for Tadokoro, Sakako and Yoshino. Tadokoro had stopped throwing up now, but she really didn't want to risk going in while her stomach was still feeling a little upset from all the curry she'd eaten earlier. The latter two girls shared the same sentiment.

Yukihira took a deep breath, unsurprised to find that he was loving this deliciously disgusting smell. It was so disgusting that it smelt good — no, not good. Great. Whoever this girlfriend was, she was definitely the perfect person to complement Hayama's mastery of spices.

"Yukihira!" Takumi clapped his hands to grab Yukihira's attention. "Are you gonna keep standing there and breathing like a creepy old man or are we going to go in, damnit?"

Before Yukihira could respond, they were all shaken by the sound of Hayama shouting at someone.

"Oh, come on! Can't you make that in your own damn kitchen?"

They all exchanged glances before looking back over at the silver door. Hayama certainly didn't sound like the lovesick person who had been wandering around the academy with a dreamy smile on his face for the past few weeks. Nor did it seem like Erina was the secret girlfriend, considering that Erina would never make something so foul-smelling. The only other person they could think of was Shiomi, but Hayama saw her as a mother figure more than anything else. It couldn't have been her. There was a name they weren't considering, but they were pretty sure they'd run through every likely candidate in Tootsuki… or did they need to start branching into the second years? Third years?

"I could," the voice responded, "but I wanted to make something for your friends! I overheard them mentioning that they were going to drop by."

"They're not my friends," was Hayama's dry response. "I only have rivals."

"What? He doesn't think we're his friends? That asshole! I'll show him who his friends are," Nikumi growled, rolling her sleeves up and moving to push the door open. Isami was quick to hold her back, reminding her that beating Hayama up would be counter-intuitive. She wasn't completely convinced, but for Isami's sake, she relented and rolled her sleeves back down.

"Ryou-kun, knock the door down. I'm tired of waiting," Alice whined.

"As you wish, milady—"

"Wait, wait, wait. I want to hear what else he's got to say," Nikumi said, her tone still somewhat guarded as she glared at the door. "Also, I want an explanation for why this damn smell's getting worse! Shouldn't we be used to it by now?"

"True," Alice commented. "I don't care what else he has to say though. Ryou-kun, knock down—"

"Hey," Hayama's voice said from the other side of the door, stopping Alice in her tracks. "Did you hear something?"

"Nah," the feminine voice responded. "Hey, I think my food's done now! You can tell because the smell reaches its peak and it becomes so disgusting that you can actually taste the stink—"

"Just get that thing out of my kitchen!"

"Give me a kiss and I will," the voice sang.

"Ew, ew, ew," Alice whined, wrinkling her nose as a frown began to line her lips. "I'm not listening to Hayama-kun get kissed. Nope. No way. Knock the door down, Ryou-kun."

"Oh, come on! Let the guy get his sugar," Takumi insisted, sternly folding his arms as he turned to regard Alice.

"Oh, come on! Let the guy get his sugar," Mimasaka echoed, also folding his arms as he turned to regard Alice.

"For fuck's sake," Takumi groaned, face-palming himself before allowing his hand to slide down his face. "You need to stop, man. Seriously. It's not cool, it's not 'neat' and in all honesty, it's super creepy! Stop!"

"For fuck's sake," Mimasaka echoed, proceeding to mirror every single one of Takumi's actions. Soon, it was getting to the point where he was doing and saying things mere nanoseconds after Takumi, leading Takumi to keep his lips sealed shut as he glared at Mimasaka in silent resentment.

In the time it had taken for Takumi and Mimasaka to stop arguing, Kurokiba had followed the order given to him and moved to the door so that he could start knocking against it repetitively.

"I didn't say knock! I said knock it down, Ryou-kun," Alice emphasised.

"As you wish, milady."

One particularly strong push of the hand, and the silver door was being blown off its hinges and bursting into pieces, leaving a puzzled-looking Hayama who had been standing right next to the door, hand poised as if about to pull the doorknob open.

"I was literally about to open the door…"

"You took too long," Alice sang, a happy smile on her face. "Ryou-kun, walk in! Let's go find his girlfriend!"

"Hey, hey, hey. Hold up," Hayama imposed, lifting both hands as he tried to block Kurokiba's path into the main room. "I didn't invite any of you here. This is trespassing—"

"Hey, Hayama. Thanks for the invite," Yukihira said, strolling into the main room alongside Kurokiba and Alice.

"I didn't invite you! Stop—"

"Thanks for the invite," Takumi and Mimasaka said at the same time before walking into the room, their every move in sync. Takumi had given up on fighting the issue and had instead decided to put up with it in the hope that Mimasaka would lose interest if he stopped reacting.

"For the last time, I didn't—"

"I'd thank you for the invite, but I'm still miffed that you don't think we're 'friends'," Nikumi grumbled while stomping her way past Hayama and into the centre of the room. "Now, where's this girlfriend?"

"I don't have a girlfriend, damnit!"

"Yes you do! Don't lie, asshole," Nikumi yelled. "What's her name?"

"Nothing, because I don't have a girlfriend!"

"Yes, you do!"

"No! I don't!"

Yukihira exchanged glances with Takumi and Mimasaka, who had identical expressions of discomfort on their faces (although, Takumi's discomfort was probably more towards Mimasaka than anyone else).

"Nikumi, he's right," Alice said, her bubbly voice blazing into the conversation once more. Kurokiba was standing there, unenthusiastic as per usual while Alice was animated on his back, arms moving and lips moving even more. "There's no girlfriend! It's just that girl who's obsessed with Erina."

"She moved on to Hishoko, actually," Kurokiba blankly stated.

"Hey, so what's she doing here?" Nikumi frowned. "Maybe she wants tips on how to defeat Hishoko in a Shokugeki…"

"Or maybe she did some secret, covert Shokugeki with Hayama and now he has to teach her how to make the dish that beat Hishoko's," Isami suggested.

"Or maybe she's just here to ask Hayama-kun to put in a good word for her with Hishoko," Alice brightly suggested. "Hayama-kun, do it! It'll be super nice of you! You're all mean and grumpy a lot of the time so maybe it can be your _redemption_ ," she added, mimicking twinkles with her fingers. "Don't you think, Ryou-kun?"

Kurokiba let out a noncommittal hum in response. He'd noticed the look of irritation which had slowly been building up on Hayama's face. While he had initially appeared uncomfortable by everyone filing into his place without permission, he now looked like he was ready to snap at everyone. His eyebrows were tightly knitted together, his lips were pressing together to the point that they seemed to melt onto his face and his jaw was so tense that it wouldn't have been surprising if Hayama's face were to just… crack. Not to mention, his green eyes were telling a story of irritation.

Too bad everyone seemed to be illiterate right now.

"Ooh," Yoshino giggled, entering the room with a sunny smile on her face. "Megumi and Sakaki went to go and buy some nose plugs from the Tootsuki store. They'll be back in a couple of minutes. What's been going on here? Where's Hishoko?"

"Oh, she's not here right now. Her admirer's here," Alice cheerily replied. "You know, the girl with black hair who lost to Hishoko in the Autumn Elections."

"Ooh! Is she here to ask Hayama what it felt like to beat Hishoko?"

"That's a good theory," Yukihira said, rubbing his chin pensively. "I think that she's here to create the stinkiest dish ever and using Hayama as her test subject."

"That would make her the female version of you then, right?" Takumi looked over to the kitchen, where an unpleasant scent was billowing out from, and then over at the ditzy-looking Yukihira. "Actually, it adds up… stinky dishes, test subjects, bothering people in general… Yukihira, we just found your soulmate—"

"She's not his soulmate," Hayama snapped, his anger beginning to spill out from his expression and into his voice. "She's my—"

"It's okay, Hayama-kun," Alice consoled, approaching Hayama with Kurokiba in tow. She rubbed Hayama's shoulder in what was meant to be a comforting gesture before continuing to speak. "We're here to save you. You don't need to smell this smell any longer. I've figured it out now. She's here to torture Hayama for beating Hishoko at cooking before she could!"

"No, no, she's here to reward Hayama," Yukihira insisted, spreading his arms to emphasise his point. "This smell isn't torture. It's paradise… like, it smells so bad that it's paradise…"

"You really are twisted," Takumi muttered.

"You really are twisted," Mimasaka followed up mere moments later, mirroring the dark glare Takumi fired in his direction.

"No, no, no. I know," Nikumi said, dragging everyone's attention over to her. "Hishoko and Hayama had an argument, so Hayama's spending time with this other admirer girl to make Hishoko jealous—"

"No, no, no," Alice refuted, wagging her finger in Nikumi's direction. "She's here to—"

"For God's sake, she's here to have a date with me!" Hayama snapped, having grown sick of all of the numerous speculations which had somehow managed to weave Hishoko into the narrative. "Why is that so difficult for you _dimwits_ to grasp? You've interrupted my Saturday with my girlfriend, and for what? Your stupid conspiracy theories about that second-rate cook?"

There was silence in the room for a good minute, save for the sound of Alice sliding off Kurokiba's back. Everyone continued to look around the room and at each other (Takumi and Mimasaka were still in a glaring competition) until the girlfriend in question poked her head into the room, pulling an earbud out of her ear as she looked over in Hayama's direction.

"Uh… does your stovetop usually stop working all of a sudden?"

"Judging by the smell, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd killed it," Hayama grumbled, still in a sour mood over everyone's speculations. "Give me a minute. These guys were just leaving—"

"No way! We're staying," Yukihira interjected, waving wildly in Sadatsuka's direction as he began to approach her with a sunny smile on his face. The others followed Yukihira's lead, ignoring Hayama's desperate pleas for them to get out of this damn building.

"Hey! Your name's Sadatsuka, right? I'm—"

"Yukihira Souma, I know," she replied, a friendly smile on her face. "Hayama always complains about how he feels like he lost to you in the finals because three judges voted your dish higher than his—"

"I never said that! Shut up!"

"You did," Sadatsuka shot back, her smile becoming one of a mischievous nature as her eyes fell upon Kurokiba. "Ooo, you must be Kurokiba Ryou. Hayama says that it was a fluke that a 'brute' like you made it to the finals and that your seafood handling couldn't compare to his sense of smell—"

"Nao, stop starting drama," Hayama insisted, his voice cracking from sheer frustration. "It's Saturday!"

"No, it's time for me to get my bandana," Kurokiba said, turning to face Alice. Alice stood there, silently weighing up the pros and cons of giving Kurokiba his bandana. Sure, it would be kind of funny to see Kurokiba start a fist-fight with Hayama, but it was unbecoming of her aide to be getting into fist-fights.

"No. Bad Ryou-kun," Alice scolded, chopping him once on the head with her hand before looking around the room. Her gaze zeroed in on Yoshino, who was standing right in front of Sadatsuka with an inquisitive expression on her face.

"I want to know what he said about me," Yoshino burbled, hand raised as if Sadatsuka were a teacher rather than a student. "Yoshino Yuuki here! What'd he say about me?"

"Well…" Sadatsuka thought for a few moments, rubbing her chin before verbalising her response. "Nothing, actually…"

Yoshino gasped. "Mean! You had things to say about Kurokiba and Yukihira but not me?"

Nikumi frowned. "Shouldn't that be a good thing?"

"Did you guys miss the bit where I said that this was a 'date'?" Hayama snapped, throwing both hands out in frustration. "You know, two people? In a room? Not a hundred!"

"Woah, I've never seen Hayama get so mad before," Yukihira commented, eyebrow raised as he continued to observe Hayama's facial expressions. "He looks like he's going to explode. Hey, let's eat something! Maybe he'll feel better after chowing something down."

"Don't you get it, idiot? I don't want you or the others here—"

"Yeah, sure! I made enough for everyone," Sadatsuka cheerily replied, gesturing for everyone to come into the kitchen. They diligently filed into the kitchen, ignoring each and every one of Hayama's complaints. While the smell was definitely an issue for most of them, Yukihira and Sadatsuka being the sole exceptions, no-one could deny that the girl had a talent for cooking. They were slurping up the revised version of 'Jet Black Curry Laksa', the revision being that the smell was even more potent than it had been the last time. Somehow, the smell seemed to have a direct correlation with the taste. While no-one understood the science behind it (even Alice, the food scientist) it tasted pretty damn delicious.

While Hayama had initially opposed this group lunch and stood at the entryway with his arms folded and his lips set in a thin, cold line, Sadatsuka had teased him until he'd relented and sat down at the table with the others. Already, Hayama could see that all of these people crossing paths with Sadatsuka was a mistake. A huge one.

"…so, Nikon binoculars are the best," Mimasaka affirmed. "Take it from me. I've been using them to watch Takumi for a while—"

"What the hell? Stop watching me!"

"—and they're perfect," Mimasaka continued, unfazed by Takumi's interruption. "They're so detailed I can even see the footsteps he leaves in the ground when he walks!"

"Okay, but Sunagor binoculars literally have a magnification of one hundred and sixty," Sadatsuka countered, taking a sip from a glass of water on the table before continuing. "You can't tell me that Nikon's better than Sunagor. Back in my stalking days, when I used Sunagor, I could see everything. I could even see Erina-sama's pores. They were _that detailed_."

Hayama looked from Sadatsuka to Mimasaka, wishing that the two had never had the opportunity to cross paths. Not that he was the jealous type, but they seemed to be bonding a lot over this stalking business…

"The stalking community could use you back, you know," Mimasaka pondered out loud, rubbing the side of his temple as he set his chopsticks down on the table. "Actually, I know a group—"

"There's stalking groups now? How is that even legal?" Takumi grumbled, wanting nothing more than to walk out of this building. If not for the fact that these were his only circle of friends that weren't off-campus participating in cooking competitions or whatnot, he really wouldn't have hesitated to walk away from this conversation.

"You know what shouldn't be legal? This smell."

Tadokoro and Sakaki entered the kitchen at last, their nostrils plugged with nose plugs. Sakaki had been the one to speak, her face contorted in an expression of pure disgust as she pushed the nose plugs even further up her nostrils. The others had adjusted to the smell at this point, but Tadokoro and Sakaki hadn't had the time to adjust yet.

"Don't you have nose plugs though?" Yoshino frowned. "Surely you guys must be fine."

"That's what we thought," Sakaki grumbled. "These nose plugs are weak as hell. Oh, God. What even is that smell?"

"Oh, you think this is bad? Just you wait," Yukihira said, getting to his feet with an eerily competitive expression on his face. "I'll show you disgusting."

"Oh, disgusting? Don't worry," Sadatsuka said, a competitive aura beginning to manifest itself around her as she rose to her feet. "I'm just getting started."

Sakaki felt a shiver go down her spine. "This doesn't look good…"

Judging from the glances that went around the room, every other person with a normal sense of smell was feeling the same way. At this point, Hayama was trying to leave the room, but Yoshino was quick to block the entryway despite her small stature.

"No way, Hayama! If we're all going to suffer, you're suffering with us!"

Hayama groaned. "My nose is hundreds of times more sensitive than yours! You realise that this is going to kill me, right?"

"Your fault for talking about Kurokiba and Yukihira but not me," Yoshino quipped, stubbornly folding her arms as she straightened her back. "You're not going anywhere."

When Shiomi walked into the kitchen half an hour later, it was to the sight of teenage kids passed out on her table — Hayama looked like he'd died, gone to hell and then died again all in one sitting — while Yukihira and Sadatsuka were duelling against each other with dishes of varying smells, all of them sharing a common theme of unpleasantness.

"That all you got, Yukihira? You must be new to this," Sadatsuka declared, holding up a piece of cheese. "Look. This is casu marzu, Italian for 'rotten cheese'. It's made with maggots—"

"Oh, come on! Why the hell would you bring that into my kitchen?"

"You'll live," Sadatsuka said in response to Hayama, who had one eyelid cracked open. "See, look! Your eyes stopped watering."

"I'm crying on the inside," was Hayama's cynical response.

Shiomi didn't hesitate to turn on her heel and leave the kitchen, even despite Hayama insisting that she 'save' him. She'd originally been planning to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, but after being forced to smell that monstrosity… she'd decided that it would be much more fun to die of thirst.

Much, much more fun.


End file.
